Family and Friends

Below are some suggestions about how to do this effectively, based on what formerly abused women have said they found helpful. People often feel awkward about 'taking sides' and try to keep out of a situation, believing it's not really any of their business. Friends and family may think that they are being 'neutral', but the abuser usually takes this as evidence that his behaviour is acceptable. In addition, an abused women can easily interpret the 'neutrality' of those closest to her as blame for the situation.

Do...

Approach her about the abuse in a  sensitive way, for example by saying, 'I'm worried about you because...'.

Believe what she tells you: it will have taken a lot for her to talk to you and trust you.

Take the abuse seriously. Abuse can be damaging both physically and emotionally, and is very destructive to someone's self-confidence. Her boyfriend or partner could be placing her in realy physical danger.

Focus on her safety: talk to her about it and how she could protect herself.

Help her to recognise the abuse and understand how it may be affecting her. Recognise and support her strength and courage.

Help her understand that the abuse is not her fault and that no-one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do.

Listen to her and help her to think about her relationship, whether she wants to break up or stay, and how she can protect herself from any more abuse.

Offer help to protect her but only if you are not putting your own safety at risk. For example, you could offer to be around when the abuser is there, give her lifts home or take phone messages from the abuser.

Encourage her to talk to a counsellor, or talk to a counsellor yourself about what you could do to support her.

Encourage and help her to develop a safety plan. Agree with her concerns for her safety as well as that of her children. Offer your assistance in developing a plan that may even include you. Help her look ahead to plan of action should the abuser become violent again. Suggest that she have an 'escape bag' somewhere which could include an extra set of car keys, ID documents, birth certificates, insurance cards, in case she needs them.

Encourage her to break the isolation. One of the most effective 'tools' for abusers is the victim's isolation from family, friends, co-workers or any type of support system. Help your friend find an agency offering counselling and support groups. Help her see how isolated she is.

Encourage her to take threats seriously. Express your concern for her safety and never minimise threats made by the abuser. Remember, however, that an abused women is in the most danger when she decided to leave. Respect her judgement as to the right time to leave. Leaving such a situation is a process, and the time must be right and safe.

Evaluate how she copes. Faced with violence and abuse, many women develop ways of coping that are themselves destructive. Your friend will need support in re-evaluating these negative coping mechanisms, and considering how to adopt more constructive ways of coping. The last thing she will need is another reason to be hard on herself, so real encouragement will be required.

Remember: if you feel overwhelmed or frightened yourself, get help

Thames Valley Police - If you know someone who is experiencing Domestic Abuse document (PDF Format)